HerStrawberri Günlüğü, 08 Eyl 11

I know you're scared. And I understand it, on a 'heart' level ... being rejected, and the thoughts of this being over ... certainly daunting. The thing is - regardless of who should talk to who, etc... you need to be in a healthy place to work through the various possible outcomes. Best case scenario: Things get worked out between you two. Worst Case: Things do not get worked out. 1000 middle ground case scenarios: Everything in the middle. YOU have to know YOU. What you believe is right for you, what you expect in a relationship with ANYONE, what you are willing to GIVE and what you WANT in return. And there is nothing wrong w/ your partner having those definitions in her life either. The best of all worlds would be for you two to discuss this like real adults, with real commitments to one another. But the one thing you cannot control...is SOMEONE ELSE. You can't make HER respond how you'd like... you can't do much of anything, accept processing what little information she is giving you...with those ultimate honest feelings of what it is YOU want. I'm not going to mis-judge her and her actions yesterday - but you have to insist on honesty and trust - even if the honest answer is "I'm leaving..." - otherwise you leave yourself wide open to being 'used' and taken advantage of emotionally. Not a healthy place to be, in any relationship. So let today be a day you spend some time defining what is most important to you! What do you want! What makes you happy! And how will you handle and accept it if someone else no longer wants the same things as you? You need to put yourself in control of this situation - in control of your responses, ... so you don't over-react. Not sure if this helps you...but I do hope so. We will continue to be here for you as you work through this time in your life. You are definitely not alone! Much Love. 

Thank you Paula. I actually have been sitting here doing exactly what you suggested. I have spent so many of my years living for others. This last year I have really gotten in touch with ME. What I like or don't like, what i want or don't want. I love her, but maybe she feels like I'm not the one. And if that is the case, as much as it will totally kill me, I will have to let her go. And maybe if that happens, she wasn't the 'one' for me either. I'm not going to dwell or think this or that. I'm going to focus on ME and tonight when she gets home, we ARE going to talk. I can't be hanging in limbo like this. If she wants to move out, then she needs to get out. the longer she stays, the harder it's going to be. Thank you for your wonderful comment Paula! 

Dawn my bf and I are the same way sometimes. We will have a fight we wont talk about it and just be cordial and then its blows over but nothing gets solved. It is really frustrating. Maybe she needed to blow off some steam and do something by herself. It will work itself out. Just besure when yall talk to listen to what each other are saying, and reall try to understand how she feels. You may not agree with how she feels, but atleast try to understand why she feels that way and the same goes for her she might not understand why you feel how you do but its how you feel and she should try to understand and respect that you feel how you do. Good luck! Oh yea, I find taht writing a letter or writing what I feel helps me to talk about stuff because I think about what I want to say like all day long but when the conversation started I forget everything....Hope it starts going better for yall!  

Paula is so smart (and scientific). Dawn, it's important to remember especially when life chooses for you, how inconsequential some arguments are in the scheme of things. I wish I could take back and erase all the words that meant nothing in the past. I think Allie's right, it will work itself out in the end. Don't anticipate things that may just be an opportunity to think. 

I can honestly say I know how you are feeling. If you have read my journals you know that I am in the same place. I agree that the letter writing is good. It really helps get the emotion out of the situation and helps you focus on what you want and need as a person. My honest hope for you is that she will give you an answer. Even if it is not one you like. It really is easier to split that to put the work into a broken relationship. Somedays I wish I had thrown my husband out. We are working on things but I know that the relationship may not be fixable. My advice to you is decide what you want. Why do you love her? What makes you happy and what does it have to do with her? You may find that the feelings you have are that you are in love with being in love. Only you can figure this out. I am sending you wonderful loving thoughts. You have friends. We are here for you. 

Thank you everyone! Thank you so much for taking the time to read my stupid stuff.  

STOP IT! Your stuff is not stupid! It's real. It's valid. It's painful even. It's important. And moreover - YOU are IMPORTANT. VALUED. SPECIAL. LOVE YOURSELF - It's the greatest most monumental shift you can make in your life! 

I'm the queen of self-loathing. Something I'm working on. =) I just re-read the post and felt stupid for writing it.  

Dawn - make the most of those insecure moments... and accept your writings as insight into your own heart. Never stupid to just feel what you feel, think what you think, or reach out to sort through it all. You are stronger than you give yourself credit! Don't forget that!! 

Paula is right again. Somewhere inside yourelf you KNOW that you are not stupid. Calling yourself stupid is coping and ingratiation mechanism that often digs a deep hole in our psychies... You are not stupid. your words are not stupid. your feelings are not stupid. I can tell you that if you focus on never using that word again you will thank yourself for it. Also, while painful, this is a wonderful time to get to know yourself. Think about the choices that you have made and the ones you continue to make. Focus on who you want to be and the choices that woman would make. If they are similar, then you need to revamp your opinion of yourself. If they are dissimilar, then start making the choices she would make. When you boil it down to the bottom of everything - it is the choices that we make that make us. At least this is something I have come to realize for myself. I hope it helps you. 

Learning to love myself has been a slow evolution. I'm getting there though. =) You are right about the word 'stupid'. I actually HATE it almost as I hate the word 'fat'. But, sadly, i call myself both of thise things on almost a daily basis. It's better then it WAS though. I'm learning each day how to really LOVE all my imperfections. A lifetime of self hate won't heal itself overnight. I'm able to look in the mirror now and NOT say terrible things and actually LOOK into it. I don't yell at myelf everytime i eat something that might be 'bad'. I don't run to food for love. Each day I get stronger and love myself more. =) I still have serious issues with thinking I'm worthy of someone loving ME, but again that also stems from childhood. Ya know, it's really sad the things that happen to us as kids, form us as adults. I'm not using that as an excuse, more like...it is what it is and I have to just deal with it and move on. Writing it makes it sound so simple. maybe it is. LOL.  

SOunds to me as if you have moved a long way through the journey. Sometimes we just have to reasses and realize that we have made great progress. I think someone said your childhood is what you spend the rest of your life trying to get over.... It is true in a way for many of us.  

Just remind yourself Dawn- no matter what, you'll always be OK....and you will be. My thoughts are with you! Hugs too :)