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29 Ağustos 2010

As I sort through everything else in life, and put things in place, my diet and weight goals become effortless, they naturally fall into place too.

Kilo:	Bugüne kadar kayıp:	Geriye kalan:	Diyet Takibi:
50,9 kg	0 kg	0,9 kg	Oldukça İyi

Yorum Ekle Haftada 6,5 kg kaybediyor

26 Ağustos 2010

I'm not even going to comment on my weight gain. I am not avoiding it, but rather than dwell on how it's made me feel, I'm going to accept that I stuffed up, and ask myself why - then deal with it and remedy it.

Why? Because I had ANOTHER night time binge. Why? Because my b/f has been a bit too 'cheeky' for words lately, and although it's relatively harmless, it's not acceptable, because it's a complete double standard thing. What he does in terms of flirting is not desirable but not going to be the end of a loving relationship, however; if I even THOUGHT some of the things he DOES he'd go absolutely crazy. This is not at all sitting well with me. So we argued on the phone. His way to avoid the topic is to get verbally abusive towards me. When he started arguing the fact that I was cooking for him??? I knew he was not in a happy place (with himself) AT ALL, and gosh, don't we just hate it when someone else is there to point it out. That's because when what we were fine avoiding (knowing we've been 'naughty' and no one likes to know that they're doing a wrong) suddenly becomes something unavoidable, the person who wants to 'remind' us of our 'wrongdoing' is the person we will hate.
Gosh, he has much to learn. And so do I. Difference is, I have the wisdom to accept that this is the underlying reason for human behaviours and actions. Difference also is, I have enough sense to see that these night time 'fun' phone conversations with him ALWAYS lead me back to bulimia. I can also see - because by looking at yourself first is the first step into humbling yourself, accepting your own errs and the first step towards doing something about them.
So he's avoiding what he doesn't want to deal with? Well who am I if I can't say the same about myself. What is binge eating anyway? IT's a deterrent from an issue we don't want to address. Why? For some reason the feelings I have towards it all, and him are feeling I am desperate to avoid.
I'm better off asking myself first, "What just happened isn't nice, so how do you really feel about it? Now lets find a way to sort it out so you can face it head on, and deal with it in a more productive manner."
And that's exactly what I'm going to do. In fact I think a break from him for a while (maybe 4 or 5 days) is exactly what the doctor would order for me. It may sound a little dramatic but to even block him for a few days from contacting me by phone is probably the best remedy.
We've even had another argument today, but I'm going to do some exercise now - get those feel good endorphins buzzing around my body, instead of tension, anxiety, anger - 'poisonous' vibes really.
Tomorrow is another day, in fact the rest of the day is still clear from mistakes or bad handling on my part.

Kilo:	Bugüne kadar kayıp:	Geriye kalan:	Diyet Takibi:
53,7 kg	0 kg	3,7 kg	Uygulanamaz

Yorum Ekle Haftada 25,9 kg alıyor

25 Ağustos 2010

The night before last, a very unhinging situation with my b/f. I have a fear - in fact you might say paranoia of conflict. So yesterday when I woke up I had that torturous feeling of being shaken up inside, nervous tension that wouldn't go away, I was angry and feeling nauseous. I CHOSE to turn that excess of energy into something positive. I constructed an entertainment unit - with no instructions - WITHOUT A MAN, I also wrote a list of all the things a woman usually relies on a man to do that I know I'm capable of doing myself. I spent a lot of the day centering myself, reading quotes to inspire me, it was such a productive day, insightful day, and I managed to keep that anxiety monster in my belly pacified.
On a health note, I'm very impressed with my upkeep of the new morning health routine I've devised. I started taking kruschen salt - and despite it tasting like, well there are no words to describe how hideous it really is, I had researched it and decided it's okay to take in coffee. It doesn't seem as pure or natural, but if it's still going to work, then why put myself through the ordeal of tasting it. I have kept up with the chlorophyll and after a week, plus with the salt I noticed yesterday how different I felt. It's funny how you can get so used to how you feel that you don't know any different, but when you feel a change for the better, it's as the old saying goes: Why didn't I do this ages ago?
I don't feel bloated (a constant thing for me as my diet is pretty dismal to the point that even if I haven't eaten anything my stomach can get that bloated feeling) I am also aware that the health products have a bonus of removing gas. I did have a moment of weakness at 1am - damned insomnia will be the next to go - which is what happens when you're starving, have bulimic tendencies/episodes, and have nervous tension (despite taming the bugger) stuck inside. Main thing, I'm aware it's there and am not letting my conscious handball it to my unconscious simply cause I don't want to face it or acknowledge it. We only do these things because we are frightened of the feelings of 'yuck', but back to my list, I can face something scary WITHOUT a man.
I have also noticed since a particularly obvious sign of detoxifying occurred yesterday (the chlorophyll makes your inner nasties turn green - it was kinda cool lol) but my memory and concentration has improved. I think doing this health thing has proved to be one of the best decisions I've made in a long time. I already have my list of what I plan to accomplish today - and I haven't written it down yet! This is nothing to others, but to me, it's an extremely significant signal: my decision to detoxify has had a chain reaction i.e. I mentally started feeling good as soon as I was in the chemist buying the products - I physically have begun feeling healthier, with improved brain functioning (memory, concentration, focus), and the best of all, on a psychological level I feel such incredible clarity, calmness, wise, intuitive and insightful. I should write a book lol
Happy happy Dan, Happy happy day - I've decided, and it's only the beginning (again).

Kilo:	Bugüne kadar kayıp:	Geriye kalan:	Diyet Takibi:
50 kg	0 kg	0 kg	Oldukça İyi

Yorum Ekle Haftada 6,3 kg kaybediyor

24 Ağustos 2010

I have been keeping up with the water, and averaging about 1 liter of water a day. This may not seem like a lot, as 2 liters is what the usual requirement is, but I've never really been a water drinker, so I'm impressed.
I also have started a morning routine, which is a health routine, and a great way to start the day. I fill a 750ml bottle with soda water (it still counts as water) and chlorophyll and find it's quite an appetite suppressant anyway. I am taking Kruschen salts: a mix of 6 cleansing and alkalizing salts, revolting to taste, makes you want to puke, but I've mixed it with a little blueberry juice. Tomorrow it will go in my coffee. It's meant to be a natural detoxifier which improves the function of internal organs, helps with sluggishness, helps maintain the balanced salt content of body fluid and body cells. I don't like the taste at all, but am willing to stick with it. The idea of being internally cleansed probably overrides the nasty taste it has. I'll know in a few days if it's worthwhile. I also bought 'Slimshot' weightloss formula. It's a chocolate 'snack' that's meant to be far more concentrated in vitamins and other healthy things so I added it to my morning coffee - like a mocha. It's not the best, but it's worth seeing if my health improves.
I am trying to address EVERYTHING 'inner' with myself at the moment. I need to unclutter not only my living space, but also my mind: emotional state, concentration levels, memory function, stress etc. I need to really address what's bothering me mentally also. I have chronic everything it seems. Insomnia is something that affects me in waves i.e. 2 straight weeks of 3 1/2 (average) hours sleep night after night, and a natural body clock which gets me up around 8am - sleep deprived or not. Then I'll be so exhausted that I'll spend a week sleeping for 7 hours (approx), then go back to the insomnia state.
I could go on writing forever today, but I have things to do.
I will add one more thing though, my boyfriend it seems has been flirting with a friend of mine. Now there's nothing at all wrong with a bit of harmless flirting, but since it's only one example that I'm aware of, how many more? How far would he go? The reason I feel so sick over this is not because I'm a jealous person per se, but because he is. And now it's making sense why he's so jealous. He can't stand the idea that I'm doing something that has crossed his mind. He can get quite impossible and over the top with men paying me attention, or will ask 1000 questions about any male 'friend' I catch up with. And now it makes sense, and to be honest, I've had an annoying buzzing sensation going on in the unconscious for a while, and clearly, it's trying to communicate with my conscious, hence (what I believe) the term 'gut feeling'. I have an extremely strong intuition, and I don't want this to be happening, but I'm not one to speculate on an idea that someone's doing something I don't want them to, you can't live like that, but in the past few years, everytime I've had that 'gut' feeling about something, it's always turned out that I was right.
I MUST address the situation with him, but until I see him, I have to centre myself, my mind, body, spirit, my material surroundings, and my overall feeling of wellbeing, positiveness, and sharper inner senses.

Must find my own inner peace today, do an angel card reading, and above all else, try and divert my thoughts from the boy in question, as just writing about it causes me such feelings of black unsettlement within and it's a rather painful feeling - just not physical...

Yorum Ekle

24 Ağustos 2010

Kilo:	Bugüne kadar kayıp:	Geriye kalan:	Diyet Takibi:
50,9 kg	0 kg	0,9 kg	Uygulanamaz

Yorum Ekle Haftada 0,7 kg kaybediyor

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