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It doesn't seem to matter really what diet you're on, how much you eat or how much exercise you do in a situation such as mine.
As with everything in life, moderation is the key, e.g. too much of something or not enough of something disturbs our balance. This includes all our senses as well as our general well being and psyche - everything basically e.g. too hot or too cold, too spicy or too bland, too busy or too bored, and in my case too over weight or too under weight.
For an overweight person, losing weight is not so much 'easy' from a psychological point because of the daily habits that must be changed, but it is easy from a physical point. If an overweight person makes a few adjustments to their diets, they will start losing weight much quicker than if they were already on a very low cal, low fat diet. Someone in my situation will struggle to lose weight, as I'm at a BMI of under 17 as it is.
This number will make people angry. Well, it's all relative. What I wouldn't give to, just for once, to have some toast with my morning skinny latte and not want to commit suicide afterwards. Perhaps they feel 'what I wouldn't give to be able to sit down to a piece of toast and a coffee and get on with my day without another thought about it.
It seems ridiculous but when I was in recovery, I would eat my toast (no butter of course) with jam, drink my coffee and have to convince my warped brain that I hadn't sinned, and that I hadn't suddenly gained 3 kgs. It's not an easy thing, in fact it's much more difficult on my psyche. One is to change habits and learn to see the benefits in losing weight, and they feel them, and they look better, and they are encouraged with compliments etc. To others if I gained, I'd look better, but it doesn't mean that if someone says (after gaining 7 or 8 kgs (as I should be at the lower end of the healthy BMI scale) "You look great, so much healthier, not as skinny"... To me, all I hear is "You've really put it on haven't you, you're not skinny anymore".
So, my aim is to now feel comfortable being between 48 and 52 (as water loss or gain can make a HUGE difference on the scales - let's be realistic here), and try and forgive myself if I've just hit 52kgs because I'm realistically still 5kgs under a BMI of 19.
Actually, change of plan... NO PLAN. I should stop weighing myself 5 times a day, even 5 times a week would be a good start. To recover means changing habits, eating more, clothes becoming tighter, and everyday is such a challenge and fight with my mind. To continue to stay with the illness means sticking with what you know. Neither option is easy. I hate myself when I haven't lost weight after 3 days on the bare minimum, but I'd loathe myself if I'd gained and continued to gain a little every three days. Both for me are hell. I guess for now, since recovery is too difficult and taxing I'll just be in 'skinny hell' rather than 'normal hell'. MY illness really sucks, and I wish I didn't have it. But I do, and for now, I'm not in a place to be 'opening a can of worms' i.e. recovery.
So for now I'll continue to weigh in everyday, but I'm going to be less 'involved' in diet/food/exercise as it only leads to obsessing/self resentment/binge eating. In my case (with my attitude towards focusing on weightloss) 'less is more'.
I hope I'm less than 50kgs tomorrow, and even if it's only 49.9 I'm going to convince myself that it's not anything to feel pathetic over. It's unreasonable to expect that I'll be 47kgs tomorrow, so now, I can get on with my day, and will find a way to feel positive about my weight, whatever it is tomorrow.
So now, I'll take my own advice, forgive myself for gaining again, and get productive.
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50,2 kg
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Geriye kalan: 0,2 kg.
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Haftada 2,1 kg alıyor
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